I walked away from the appointment not quite feeling better, but open. I laid my emotions and my thoughts bare and allowed her to pick at them and give her two cents on my experiences.
I guess I was looking for a quick fix, but then it would be called “cure”. Instead, it is what it is – therapy. A course of treatment to improve, recuperate, or regain something over time. I don’t want it to take time. I want it fixed now. I don’t want to be in this mental space any more, but I still feel very much here.
So maybe the point of today wasn’t to move, but to assess where I am exactly. Our minds are so complicated that any shift that seems to be in the right direction might actually be the opposite. I mean, drugs make us feel sooooo good, but the cost of the pleasure is more pain for ourselves and others. I’m not on drugs, but I think you get the meaning.
Man, I just want it to be over – not life, but this process of healing. I don’t want this journey, I just want the results. It’s ridiculous, but then again my life hasn’t been making much sense lately.
What am I even saying? I guess my point is therapy is what it is and I wanted something quicker. I wanted to walk away loving myself, optimistic, or at least just feel better. Intelligently, I know it’s a process. Emotionally, I’m just exhausted. I’m tired of feeling like this.
I haven’t given up. I don’t plan to. I just wish it was easier to get through this.
by Angelique Grey