“You need to come out of it quickly.” It’s advice I received during one of my moments of depression. Yet I can’t help but wonder if this advice was just a push to get me out of the space I was in and make my presence more enjoyable. In fact, the same person told me I had a “negative energy” that makes them not want to be around me.
How should a depressed person behave? How should that person come out of it? And just because my advice-giver eventually snapped out of their depression, doesn’t mean I will come out of mine the same way. She was in her depression for a while before she found her way through it. And now she wants me to believe she’s an authority on the subject and that somehow her words should speed up my recovery. Is there really a one-size-fits-all remedy?
I think she can’t take me as I am when I’m like this. She’s told me that she doesn’t want to be around me. Do you know how that makes me feel to hear that? That the person that acknowledges that I’m depressed and sad doesn’t want anything to do with me while I go through this. Apparently, I have to go through it alone. She won’t be there. She doesn’t want to be there.
I decided then that I need to fold my depression and tuck it away. How am I supposed to get better when my support is no where to be found? How am I supposed to feel loved and encouraged when the response is that I need to “snap out of it”?
I know I don’t want to stay here. So what do I do?
Tuck it away and don’t let it out. If I don’t want to be alone, I’ll put it away.
I told myself: Your feelings don’t matter. You don’t matter. Just be the wife/mother/daughter/friend/professional you’re supposed to be. Should have been before you messed everything up in the first place. Isn’t it your feelings that got you in trouble in the first place? So tuck those life-ruining things away. You don’t get to have them. You have too many things to tend to. Tuck it and keep moving. An occasional tear might fall, but don’t you dare let another. Your mind might try to whisper that your worthless, but don’t you dare stop moving forward with your life and responsibilities. You don’t get to fall down. You don’t get to wallow. You don’t get to show anyone your true feelings. Hide them behind a smile or at least a blank face. No one cares to hear about it anyway. Go on. Just wave your depression and sadness away. Tell them you don’t have the luxury of entertaining them as guests.
And move on.
It seems to work, but every now and then, and especially when I’m exhausted, things become untucked. Your patience is appreciated while I attempt to put them away again.